Mixed Emotions

Aptly titled, tt's exactly what I am feeling now, and the music blaring from my 4 speakers doesn't help! (Ok I admit I purposely put it on loop so tt I'll get inspiration!) If only I could turn back time... Back to the days inVJC... Back to the glorious days of singing and studying... S & S! Now it's a whole new ballgame... Shoot and Sai Kang (opps honourable duty I mean, a slip of my tongue, luckily no SOC or it wld be on the list too!) Now, surveying the damage first hand with the help of technology, I realise the gravity of the situation. (When serving NS, I lost touch with technology, heck my handphone model is relegated to Nokia 2100. How backdated is tt?) I lost everything... All my efforts wasted. Just a humble reserved place in NUS Department of Science. Talking with Dr. Goh yesterday, I reaffirmed my desperate and insane course of action. The odds will be stacked highly against me! Furthermore, I am so disappointed and mad at myself. Yet I felt tt I earned myself a reprieve cos not everything is lost. There is smt else I gained these 5 mths... Something intricate, mysterious, and irrational... A feeling tt I haven't felt since sec sch... A ghostly feeling tt came back to possibly taunt me again. It drives me crazy though I am perfectly sane...

I dunno if I'm wasting my time... In fact I dunno what I'm doing! Yet... the questions are endless... I'm confused at what to do... It's so complicating to put it in words... Only actions and expressions convey tt feeling... Yet I'm not surprised I managed to keep my emotions in check. I have learnt from my past mistakes well... Haha unless tt person is lying to me and knows the truth. I suspect so as I have actually dropped obvious hints ( be it accidentally or purposely) along the way... Furthermore tt person's actions have been cold of the late... Perhaps it's just me being overly emotional... Whatever the case, it's my own problem. Nobody can help me. Only God. I shall suffer emotionally in silence. Nothing new. It has always been like tt. No wonder I can identify with the song I've purposely looped... Wake me up when September ends! This yr if I get rejected, I'll sleep again till next September before I ORD! Haha sweet dreams to me! OMG I suddenly remembered! Tonight got lost! Yeah gd thing about going home! Can watch the late night shows... Only prob is the next day wake up at 5 am is totally not cool... If only the bus seats were cosier... Heck I'll be so tired I won't notice...